Contents
Violin & Viola
Worries about mad cow disease
The magician and the parrot
Violin & Viola
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don’t play.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist’s head is so much bigger.
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why shouldn’t violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they’re missing.
Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large, just that the viola player’s heads are so small.
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why can’t you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: Which positions does a violist use?
A: First, third, and emergency.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with “solo” above it.
French horn…
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can’t march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can’t march.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: “Hi. I did that piece in junior high.”
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a ’57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a ’57 Chevy.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: “Hi. I played that last year.”
Worries about mad cow disease
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields (parlant per sobre la tanca entre els seus camps).
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading (spread: escampar-se) fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried (A mi no em preocupa), it don’t affect us ducks.”
If you pay attention you will notice that the second cow, the one who is supposed to have the mad-cow-disease, makes some grammar mistakes: The correct sentence would be: ” I’m not worried, it doesn’t affect us ducks.“
The Magician and the Parrot
There was a magician (mag) on a cruise ship (creuer) and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show (el millor número del show) when a parrot walked on stage (escenari) and squawked, “It’s in his sleeve (màniga)!”
The magician chased the bird away (el va fer fora) . The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked on stage and declared, “It’s in his pocket (butxaca) !”
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd (moltitud). Before the parrot could ruin (arruinar) the magic trick (truc de màgia) , the boat crashed into a rock and sank (sink-sank-sunk/ enfonsar-se).
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to (una taula on poder-se agafar). At the other end of the board was the parrot. They stared at each other (mirar-se l’un a l’altre) for 3 full days, neither of them (cap dels dos) saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, “I give up (em rendeixo),what did you do with the ship?
Two Women in Heaven
Two women reach heaven. There they have the following conversation:
1st: Hi! my name is Sue.
2nd: Hi! I’m Anne. how did you die?
1st: I froze to death (morir-se de fred).
2nd: Oh, how horrible.
1st: Oh, it wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking (deixar de tremolar) from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. And how about you?
2nd: I died of a massive heart attack.
1st: Oh, my God! How did that happen?
2nd: Well, I suspected that my husband was cheating (cheat: enganyar), so I came home early one day, to try and catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself (ell tot sol) in the living room, watching TV.
1st: So, what happened?
2nd: Well, I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house, looking. I ran up into th attic, and searched, and down into the basement (soterrani). Then I went through every closet (vaig buscar a tot els armaris) and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I becam so exhausted that I just keeled over (caure) with a heart attack and died.
1st: Too bad (llàstima que…) you didn’t look in the freezer (congelador): we’d both still be alive (les dues encara seríem vives) .